THE MYSTERY OF CODEPENDENCY
Codependency is a terrible thing. Because it is very hard to define in a few words I must dedicate a large section of this book to it.
Moses displayed signs of codependency, so did apostle Paul. I may have surprised you, but as soon as you enter the inner corridors of this disorder the clearer will your views be.
Most people are not able heal themselves of codependency; they need help. This help usually comes from someone that really cares and uses the Frontal Lobe for in fact the Limbic System is the culprit in such cases.
[Quoting from “How God changes your brain” by Andrew Newberg M.D. and Mark Robert Waldman BallantineBooks.com Page 141]
Unfortunately, as far as the brain is concerned, negative speech has a stronger effect than positive speech. Negative remarks and memories are more strongly encoded in the brain, and they are the most difficult memories to eradicate. In fact, simply being around negative people will make you more prejudiced, because listening to negative opinions can easily undermine your positive opinions about virtually anything.
In essence, our brains are designed to mimic the emotional expressions of others. Not only does this allow us to feel what others feel, but it causes what is known as "emotional contagion," a universal neurological process whereby subjective feelings are transferred to other people and spread through social groups. So how fast does it take the brain to react to another person’s emotion? When you see an angry expression, it takes less than one second for the brain to respond with fear. [End of quote]
When we go back for a moment to the wandering Israelites and the tribe of Kenites amongst them; we realize that the aggressive and imposing characteristics of that group disrupted the continuance and abode of the larger body in the laws given to Moses. The abiding was disrupted. Fear disrupted the peaceful and solid state of mind to the point that they were about to stone Joshua and Caleb.[1] Most likely these were the Kenites who had picked up the stones. These were the same type of people Jesus spoke with in John 8 and cried “Crucify!”
[John 8:39-41] Jesus said to them, “If you are Abraham’s children, do the deeds of Abraham. But as it is, you are seeking to kill Me, a man who has told you the truth, which I heard from God; this Abraham did not do. You are doing the deeds of your father.”
Clearly, Jesus spoke of genetics and the patrimonial line of Abraham, who was not from Cain, but from Seth and Shem. Jesus insinuated something else. Due to their outward actions/fruits Jesus told the violent stone throwers about their real father.
[John 8:44] “You are of your father the devil, and you want to do the desires of your father. He was a murderer from the beginning, and does not stand in the truth because there is no truth in him. Whenever he speaks a lie, he speaks from his own nature, for he is a liar and the father of lies.
[KJV] When he speaketh a lie, he speaketh of his own: for he is a liar, and the father of it. (In other words the father of the same; hence the father all liars.)
Cain was the first devil, the first murder and the first liar according to our knowledge, which we derive from the Bible. All other peoples were not considered at that time for the biblical record deals only with the descendants of Adam, while Cain’s line became blurry.
[Matthew 7:16-20] “Beware of the false prophets, who come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly are ravenous wolves. You will know them by their fruits. Grapes are not gathered from thorn bushes or figs from thistles, are they? So every good tree bears good fruit, but the bad tree bears bad fruit. A good tree cannot produce bad fruit, nor can a bad tree produce good fruit. Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire. So then, you will know them by their fruits.”
Liars have always something to hide. It’s just their subconscious behavior. Guilty conscience, unresolved issues, unclosed doors…
[Genesis 4:6-8] Then the LORD said to Cain, “Why are you angry? And why has your countenance fallen? If you do well, will not your countenance be lifted up? And if you do not do well, sin is crouching at the door; and its desire is for you, but you must master it.” Cain told Abel his brother. And it came about when they were in the field, that Cain rose up against Abel his brother and killed him.
Only by the outward fruits we can recognize the Kenites. They hardly ever close any doors. They keep them open for they remain undecided as to on which side they should stay and plant themselves in. They are opportunists, strategists and great manipulators taking advantage of any circumstance, which in essence is not evil. Yes, this smartness God wanted to plant in us; His peacemakers.
[Luke 16:8-9] “And his master praised the unrighteous manager because he had acted shrewdly; for the sons of this age are more shrewd in relation to their own kind than the sons of light. And I say to you, make friends for yourselves by means of the wealth of unrighteousness, so that when it fails, they will receive you into the eternal dwellings.”
We may not be smarter than the Kenites, but we learn faster for one can grows much faster on the chosen path of peace—with all men—rather than in a warlike atmosphere. This is our smartness. Although the Kenites also use the frontal lobe of the brain, where logic, adaptability and flexibility reside, but they lack compassion for in it they see no profit. Hence we have many Kenites in religion, in business, banking and politics. Now we scan their actions and watch their fruits.
Those that hire themselves, even to preach the Gospel, while they bite and criticize other ministers, go after the pomp of their self-made ministries, for profit and fame, that’s just the outward fruit. Teaching and preaching falsehood in order to please the crowds for monetary gain is quite common. The Kenite trait does not go to sleep. Their affect on us is profound. We are in the Kenite’s pocket and we have been doing his bidding for a very long time. The “666” system of gold, political power and anything physical has been in place for a very long time. Wars and rumors of wars come because of that system. But the peacemakers have nothing to do with it. We are different breed of people and our fruit is not war, but peace. It always comes down to a choice.
I hope that this is clear enough. Now, let us go to codependency and the cure for it. Codependency may make people overextend themselves; their imagination become impractical and so they encounter difficulties in following through with any project they set out to complete. Many things remain as open-ended and unfinished. It can be classified as a dysfunctional relationship with one’s self. Hence the self seeks definitions in order to lean on that definition, which in essence is a make-belief.
Self is a temporary thing, attributed to anything physical like our bodies that move in segments of time and spans of distance. We need self to define the progress we have made e.g. how far we went, how much money we made, how well we provide and how likable we are. Friendly versus a loner type of a person; codependent or independent; standing on my own feet or speaking out of someone else’s mind, etc.
Codependency can be self-destructive. Almost everyone experiences bouts of codependency. I see signs of it in me from time to time, but upon realizing it I snap out of it. Now we need to help you to also snap out of this terrible disposition.
Codependent behaviors can be stopped. Knowledge is the best solution. By knowing yourself in truth and by isolating the symptoms by making the right choice cure is then certain. Here are some symptoms, which you might find contradictory, but that’s the irony of codependency.
A codependent individual feels responsible for other people; feels anxious and even guilty when another has a problem; he or she may feel compelled to solve that problem.
Other people’s needs become more predominant provoking anger when no one else is there to help. The irony of it all is that such individuals, while hurrying to help others don’t get help. When asked if you need help you might say, “No, I’m fine.” If you are codependent and have already minimized your worth you will become like an enemy to yourself.
Codependents usually emerge from troubled, dysfunctional families, and yet they will often deny this. They blame themselves for their family's shortcomings. They seem unable to receive a complement; they reject it yet they need it. When they don’t receive it they me get depressed. Often they reject themselves first before someone else rejects them just to be on a ‘safe’ side. It’s really a senseless cycle. Apostle Paul in Romans 7 expressed this sort of a state this way:
[Romans 7:15-20] For what I am doing, I do not understand; for I am not practicing what I would like to do, but I am doing the very thing I hate. But if I do the very thing I do not want to do, I agree with the Law, confessing that the Law is good. So now, no longer am I the one doing it, but sin, which dwells in me. For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh; for the willing is present in me, but the doing of the good is not. For the good that I want, I do not do, but I practice the very evil that I do not want. But if I am doing the very thing I do not want, I am no longer the one doing it, but sin which dwells in me.
Codependents on one hand are extremely responsible, but then snap out of it and become extremely irresponsible. They act martyrs-like as if sacrificing their own happiness for others. Repressing things makes things worse. Most codependents repress their own desires. In Christendom repression played a major role. Self-abating practices came from the overinflated obsession with sin.
Everyone is conceived via sexual cohabitation and sex is responsible for the birth of us all. When sex is condemned as being evil then the entire row of domino will fall. Of course there is no such a thing as a free sex, for that does not solve any problems, but in fact complicates things further more.
Communication is the solution. Husband and wife should communicate more often and spend time caressing each other in order to establish the bond of love. In this peace and love making one enters a guiltless tranquil state of being.
If you are afraid to let yourself go because of your accepted beliefs and they control your behavior then most likely you are struggling with codependency. Codependents feel guilty when prospecting fun. Look at children. They have fun playing and they do not feel guilty about it. God smiles on them; how much more He will smile on you?
Innocence is found in your spiritual person and never in the outward physical frame. The outward frame ages and accumulates elements of worry, fear and guilt. From time to time, or rather every single day, we should shake it all off. Let it fall to the ground from which it came.
Codependents seem to worry about the slightest things like other people talking about them. They seem to lose sleep over those little things. Sometimes neighborly friendliness may not be such a good thing if you encounter another codependent person, for their expectations are the same. They all want to define themselves with friendliness and good deeds and show often-hypocritical signs of selflessness. It can only lead to more trouble.
Don’t’ lose sleep over other people’s supposed gossip about you or what they might think of you; like with whom you are friends with, your looks or your dress code etc, stand up and shake it all off.
Do not comfort yourself with an excessive intake of food or sweets for you actually do not feed your body, but rather the by-now-developed compulsiveness. Do not go to another extreme by trying to control other people’s behaviors just because they displease you.
Codependents go through sexual cycles by either lavishing sexual favors or withdrawing them as a punishment. This senseless cycle feeds itself and propels itself like a vortex. One sinks and rebounds and sinks again.
Codependents can create a denial and mental blocks. By ignoring those problems and by pretending that they do not exist you can make things worse. The other opposite is euphoria and false bravado, pumping your self up with optimism or working harder or longer can turn you into a workaholic. Just to prove something to your self and to others is not the way to go. These impairments will persist if you don’t tackle them in time.
If you try to solve your problems with a relationship, for so you have been advised, but then that also goes sour, then don’t close yourself off again and lick your wounds. Don’t fall into another low self-esteem mood.
[Isaiah 60:1-2] Arise, shine for your light has come, and the glory of the LORD has risen upon you. For behold, darkness will cover the earth and deep darkness the peoples; but the LORD will rise upon you and His glory will appear upon you.
Darkness will come and it will become even darker, but we cannot fix it. However, we can fix ourselves. We do not need to fight with the external forces, which we do not fully understand. The knowledge and understanding we have received will guide us through the dark corridors of life; but life is not dark and that’s the Good News. Only the corridor, or a tunnel, you might be passing through seems dark and oppressingly claustrophobic, but only for a season. At the end of this tunnel light awaits you.
Moses entered that tunnel with Israel. At 120 he was done. Moses was tired and it seemed to not matter to him anymore if he would enter the Promised Land or not. At one point he pleaded with the Lord, even asking to be erased from God’s book[2] for the sake of his folk Israel, while on the other hand he blamed them for making him angry at the rock[3] where he supposed to speak to it instead of striking it, a clear sign of codependency. But was it avoidable? Moses had no choice and his wits were tested to the max.
On one hand apostle Paul desired to be one of the twelve Jesus chose as His disciples. His ‘way to Damascus’ experience with Jesus, many visions, his dead like state, visit to heaven and of course Paul’s success among the Gentiles should elect him to that position.
[2 Corinthians 11:5] For I consider myself not in the least inferior to the most eminent apostles.
[Verses: 21-22] But in whatever respect anyone else is bold—I speak in foolishness—I am just as bold myself. Are they Hebrews? So am I. Are they Israelites? So am I. Are they descendants of Abraham? So am I.
Notice how Paul is careful to not call himself a Jew, but an Israelite, for in fact he was a Benjaminate rather than a Jew, a term that originates in the tribe of Judah. Jews were in fact Judeans, especially those whose dress and learning portrayed them as such. The territory of Judah was rather small and its center was Jerusalem. Chief priests, Scribes and Pharisees we generally called the Jews and according to them those residing beyond Judea were not considered as being pure enough Jews.
[Verses: 23-30] Are they servants of Christ?—I speak as if insane—I more so; in far more labors, in far more imprisonments, beaten times without number, often in danger of death. Five times I received from the Jews thirty-nine lashes. Three times I was beaten with rods, once I was stoned, three times I was shipwrecked, a night and a day I have spent in the deep. I have been on frequent journeys, in dangers from rivers, dangers from robbers, dangers from my countrymen, dangers from the Gentiles, dangers in the city, dangers in the wilderness, dangers on the sea, dangers among false brethren; I have been in labor and hardship, through many sleepless nights, in hunger and thirst, often without food, in cold and exposure. Apart from such external things, there is the daily pressure on me of concern for all the churches. Who is weak without my being weak? Who is led into sin without my intense concern? If I have to boast, I will boast of what pertains to my weakness.
I don’t think that Paul would mind me conduct psychoanalysis also on him, just as we learn about God from Paul we can also learn about Paul’s psychology.
Why do I bring it all this here and why the background information? I paint a picture of all the unnecessary baggage we carry even from the ancient times. Our DNA has gone through many a change and reshaping, but most of all the accumulation of warlike genes—which any form of strife is the example of it—keep on exhibiting the inner makeup. No apostle was perfect. Peter was compulsive and explosive. Paul was boastful for he secretly competed with the ‘super’ (most eminent) apostles as he sardonically called them. It was rather the followers of Christ that did the elevation of the apostles, not Paul. Here we have the glory hunt again. On and on and on… I think that it is healthy to touch on these things and seek ‘professional’ help from above.
Paul did repent and changed. He did not remain in that state for too long, which he exemplified in 2 Corinthians 11. Nonetheless we have the record of his boasting and the futile comparing of himself with Jesus’ chosen twelve. It would not be fair to frame Paul as a boastful or jealous man. We all change in time and we must change. Any beaten paths of thought and altered patterns of behavior can be detrimental to our overall health.
Seek peace at all cost for it is the ultimate healer, so cry for peace in your prayer directly to God. He cares for you and He loves you, but He needs to hear your cry for help. He is your doctor and counselor for He just counseled you through this book. He wrote it for you. Forget me. Rather see the author of this work only as God’s writing pen. It’s better that way. Switch off all horizontal comparisons and competitions, which only produce unnecessary and harmful to your health strife, jealousies and envies. Competitions stem from the desire to win, but win over what? The victory is not in holding the ball, but in dropping it and letting others have their fill. Rise above those cheap thrills of vain satisfaction that lead to nowhere. Know peace. Know the power of this glorious peace that surpasses all understanding for its origin is not from below. Embrace it and love it. Nurture it in your life. Fall in love with this most glorious commodity and meditate in its presence and on its most glorious nature.
[James 3:16] The seed whose fruit is righteousness is sown in peace by those who make peace.
The right way is straight way. The peace way is the right way. Peace heals and restores anything damaged. Peace completely heals all psychological impairments; it mends anything divided. Peace makes oneness out of anything fragmented. Peace is logical and solid. Peace makes order out of anything disorderly. Codependency disorders and warlike competitive dispositions rest in the presence of this wondrous peace.
