Sarah
I
have been dating my boyfriend for 6 months now, and the only time I feel secure
is when I am with him. I want to go everywhere he goes, even if I really do not
enjoy what he, and his friends have planned.
I
love to workout, but I will not go to the gym, until he has to go to work, or
be somewhere. I get so jealous about anything related to other women. I even
get upset, when I see a naked woman on TV.
I am
sad that he will be starting college this semester. I am worried that he will
see beautiful college girls, and will want them, instead of me. Sometimes I
scroll through his cellphone, to see whom he has talked to throughout the day.
He
has never cheated on me, and all the time gives me compliments, but I have
major issues with trust and insecurity.
I
have such low self-esteem. I never want him to have "guy night"
because I want to know what he is doing all the time.
I
know this behavior is unhealthy, but who can afford counseling these days?
There
have been times that he was going to break up with me, and I thought my life
was over. I even had thoughts of suicide. Please help.
I
don't know where else to write this, where I feel safe enough to express what
is going on in my head. It hurts so much it wants to explode.
My family
is dysfunctional. My mother, who has never given a toss about me, she is being
abusive when she sees me, but usually indirectly, making out that I see myself
as above them all.
Her
recent words were that I was spoiled, and that I need to wake up. They don't
like the fact that I am living my life the way I want to, and do not wish to
live by their dysfunctional reigns of control.
Anyway,
I have been distancing myself for a while, and usually after a while, my mother
texts, me saying she misses me and how ‘am I’, etc. Usually this is after a
week. It's been 2 & 1/2 weeks now and no message. Instead, I hear how she
has been phoning my brother and they are all carrying on, as if I am not even
alive.
It
hurts and I know I am doing the right thing by walking away, but at the same
time, after 30 years of my life, it hurts that my mother is letting me go. I
have no contact with anyone else. I used to only spend my free time around
them.
Redirection is the best way to cope with bouts of insecurity. Those who are insecure all the time must be retrained. The habitual patterns of thinking, imagining and visualizing must also be retrained, although it takes considerably longer to achieve a lasting success.
The insecurity creating factors:
1.
Not taking responsibility and instinctively
looking for someone else to blame.
A. Upbringing,
parents, school, society, country and its government.
B. The
primeval blame game tree has taken long roots and to poison those roots takes
but a diluted solution of poison.
C. As
it is the case with weed killers; it does not take much of the solution to kill
weeds all the way down to their roots. It takes sometimes a week before one
sees the effect. Almost the same is with the urge to blame someone else.
D. The
urge to blame and be rid of the annoying guilt is almost automatic. Rational
mind must face this reality and cope with it the hard way.
2.
In order to grow and mature we need to overcome
obstacles. If we don’t overcome them; then the obstacles will become our slave
masters, and we their slaves.
A. This knowledge alone should help us refocus and tackle the
problem head on. If we do not tackle this problem we will fall victims of
commercialism and religious indoctrination.
B. We develop dependence on external dictation as to what I
need and want, and how it will solve many of my problems. Buy helps, read and
hear… endlessly so.
C. Often, that which really would solve your problem is
subconsciously and oddly avoided. The reason for that is the heavily
commercialized mind. The Bethlehem manger of Jesus’ birth was not flashy
enough, nor was Nazareth an impressive town.
3.
The Truth: diamonds and gold are hidden in the
ground for which one must dig, and that takes an effort, and often much time.
A. Anything
praiseworthy is rather expensive. There are no quick solutions to anything in
this life, and that’s where overcoming plays the most significant role. For
example artistic gold and diamond studded jewelry carries labor costs: finding
gold and diamonds, the artist’s skill and sense of beauty, design and the
assembly. Taking these factors into account one comes up with the final price.
B. Sensitivity
is fine, but if you want to make it praiseworthy you must encase it with
something resistant and hard. You cannot cater to your sensitivity, and pamper
it.
C. The enclosure for your sensitivity is being
tough on yourself, as if hammering down on yourself demanding the best. Those
in performing arts do that all the time. They can’t afford to flaunt their
sensitivities to the public, so they play a role of secure people.
Now,
let’s wrap it all up. A ballerina mercilessly works her toes. An actor demands
from himself the best, which is to portray a character most convincingly. It’s
been said in Hollywood that Robert De Niro is the most disciplined actor. Al
Pacino knows the secret of screen chemistry. These are tricks of the trade.
Eventually, any portrayal of secure people creates a self-image, which may not
be real, but what is real? Only God is real and the world He had created. Everything
else is illusion.
Anyway,
the real “you” is indeed dependent on the Higher Power all the time. There is
no escaping from it. Call it the Big Bang or God, that force is real, and it
gave you life; hence, life is not yours and you can’t live your life as you
want to, because it is not yours to take, turn and twist. No woman is God.
Humanity comes through women. All are vehicles, vessels and vassals,
instruments of life, which the Creator is. This thinking helps us in decimating
insecurity.
Find
an area in your life that gives you satisfaction, be it artistic, mechanical,
or scientific. Like a spark you can fan it until it turns into flames. Keep on
perfecting that area of your life until you feel confident enough to share it
with others and yes be proud of it. That pride is healthy because you worked on
that God given gift. You have not squandered it however small it might have
been. Not like the wicked steward who dug a hole in the ground and hid his one
talent because he was afraid.
[Matthew 25:24-28] And the one also who had received the one talent came up and said, ‘Master, I knew you to be a hard man, reaping where you did not sow and gathering where you scattered no seed. [25] And I was afraid, and went away and hid your talent in the ground. See, you have what is yours.’ [26] But his master answered and said to him, ‘You wicked, lazy slave, you knew that I reap where I did not sow and gather where I scattered no seed. [27] Then you ought to have put my money in the bank, and on my arrival I would have received my money back with interest. [28] Therefore take away the talent from him, and give it to the one who has the ten talents.’
Based
on this story, also you can arise and polish that golden coin until it attracts
divine light. The one who made ten talents received that excavated talent, and
its steward was thrown into darkness. That means: his fear became the dreaded
reality.
Everything
in this life is there on purpose; it relates to overcoming, triumphing, and
arising; be it codependency, insecurity, or even fear. It is in you to be
conquered and ruled over. These emotional factors will always be in us and they
are there to be mastered by you.
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